Some Hard Stuff

I'm not sure why I feel inclined to write this post- I normally don't share these experiences, but maybe somewhere out there, someone else is in pain and suffering from this as well......In early November we found out that I was pregnant, at that time I was about 6 weeks along.  When I found out about the pregnancy I was initially not very excited, and felt very anxious and un-prepared to handle a 3rd baby, especially being so close in age to Weston.  I spent a good week or so having those feelings of  "Really? Why? and Why right now?"  I kept taking pregnancy tests to "make sure" it wasn't a fluke.  And it wasn't- 4 pregnancy tests later and they were still positive.  It took me some time before I got excited, but eventually that time came.  I started to get really excited, thinking with how close my boys would be- they would be best friends.  A few weeks went by and the excitement built up.  In the excitement, I even bought myself some trendy new maternity clothes (http://www.milanmaternity.com/ if you need any).  I felt the need to celebrate, I had passed the typical 7-8 week milemarker when I would normally miscarry, and I felt happier and more assured that I was supposed to bring another baby into the world.

At the beginning of December I started feeling nausues all the time and having morning sickness. Then, mid-December I had some brown discharge that lasted for about a day.  I called my doctor and they told me that since it was brown it meant it was old blood, but they wanted to have an ultrasound anyway.  At that time I was 10 weeks.  The next afternoon, Paul and I went to the ultrasound, and 100% of me thought that everything was going to be okay, I definitely felt pregnant.  I even thought they were going to tell me I was pregnant with twins.  But as the ultrasound began I instantly knew everything was not okay.  In fact it was all wrong.  There was no heartbeat.  No flicker on the screen... nothing.  My heart sunk I was beyond hurt and upste, I hated the ultrasound tech for not finding anything.  I hated that they made us sit in a room for 15 minutes while they reviewed the results and had my doctor call me with the bad news....the baby stopped growing at 6.5 weeks and my body wasnt processing the miscarriage like it should.  My doctor told me I could either wait it out and try to pass it at home, or undergo a D&C surgery to remove everything.  I was in denial- I couldn't beleive that I was going through yet another miscarriage.  I didnt understand....why me? why? why? 

A few days later I went to the doctor to do the D&C prep-  I was still in denial- I asked for another ultrasound so that I would know for certainty that there was nothing living inside me.... I held on to every last bit of hope I had.  I prayed that there would be a flicker of a heartbeat on the monitor...  but there wasnt. 

They scheduled me for a D&C on December 19th-  My parents took the boys for a few days so that I could get my rest.  Which I am so glad they did, because I was really out of it- emotionally I was shut off and in pain, and physically I was exhausted.

I was, and still am, heartbroken at the loss of another baby. This was my 7th miscarriage, and one of the hardest for me to go through.  I know that one day I will understand why, but not today.